by Taylor Irwin
Bella slumped in her chair; her mind pondered all the nasty, spiteful words she could scribble onto the blank page that lie in front of her and finally she picked up her pen and began to write.
I know you’ll probably never read this and you’ll most likely never care but I want to share with you a story, more of an experience if you will. My name is Bella, not that you were wondering and I’m 16 now and I’m almost finished school, none of this is relevant to you but I’m going to tell you anyway.
I know that we all have scars and we all feel pain, we each have a lifetime worth of experience’s hidden and locked away. They’re on our skin and on our hearts, in our minds and on our souls. We all have a tragic story, never to be told. So I don’t ask for your sympathy when I say that all these years I’ve been hurting, in a way that no one else ever will, I don’t ask you for anything and I never intend to. I just want you to know that you are the one who hurt me, you caused my pain, and you created my scars.
Once, I lost my daddy. I was just a girl, you were my entire world. I believed that no matter what you would be there, I knew that you would protect me from my wort fears and then you became them. I watched you set my world on fire and you watched me as it burned. My family, my home, everything I ever knew was torn apart because of you and no way did you deserve it but you had a choice and you chose to let the ashes fall.
Darkness came over me that I couldn’t control, sleepless nights and tear stained pillows, anxiety and screams that no one could hear. My heart and mind stood side by side not to protect me rather to destroy my remaining sanity. Love and hate, stay or say goodbye, hurt or heal. And that’s the battle between heart and mind, a never ending war. The mind knows that we need to forget but the heart hangs on with every remaining piece of it.
I watched you destroy my family, I saw you walk away but every single day without you still became a nightmare. I still loved you with all of my heart; I still tried so damn hard to mean something to you. All I wanted was your approval; I wanted you to need me as much as I needed you.
The thought of you brought agony. Waves of conflicting emotions gushed through my body; I trembled and shook with fear, with loneliness, sorrow and pain like no other. Hours of crying and sitting curled up in dark corners traumatized by the ache that rushed through every bone in my body. The days were long and the nights seemed endless, people were dreaded and conversation became a chore.
You had a girl and you created a monster. You had a family and you tore it apart. You let me suffer. You sat back and watched me destroy myself by caring about you. You never cared and you never will and if only I could have seen that back then, I would have saved myself a world of pain. But instead I loved you, the way a daughter should and because of that I hurt so badly every day for years.
The torture and the suffering you brought to me never completely disappeared, it faded and scars began to form but every time I saw you, every time we spoke you cut me open again. I built a wall, you broke it down. I stood up; you knocked me to the ground. You made it impossible for me to be alright. After months of suffering that’s all I really wanted, I just finally wanted to be okay but every time I did, you brought your tornado and slashed every bit of happiness I had, every piece of confidence, every part of me that had finally moved on.
You invited me in to your newly made home just to tell me that was not to welcome. You asked me for the truth just to tell me it was lies. You wanted answers but you didn’t believe them.
I fought with every last drop of my vitality to be everything you ever wanted in a daughter but no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough for you and I’ve realized now that I never will be.
Once I thought I lost my daddy but I really just lost a man. Today I’m finally okay and now it’s your turn to lose, you’ve finally lost me.
You put me through hell, you didn’t think about the scars that the flames would leave, no! You let me burn.
I hope that one day your heart and eyes are opened and you finally see the pain, the damage and the anguish you have caused to the ones who love you, to the ones who truly cared. Only then will you completely understand the mistake you made when pushing us away, the fault in crushing our innocent souls in order to build your own self-worth. They say what goes around comes around so to you will come hurt and pain in the worst form for the suffering that I didn’t deserve.
The pen fell from her hand, hitting the table heavily. Spotted stains formed across the page. Crystal droplets fell from her eyes, a river of tears streamed down her pale cheeks. Tears of sadness for letting go but tears of joy because for the first time Bella was going to be okay. The heartbreak her father brought upon her left wounds that would only heal with time, time that was painful and seemed endless. But a girl so strong got through it all. Bella survived the disaster that her father brought her and healed her wounds on her own and now that she let go only scars will remain leaving no more than a vague memory of her time in pain.