This story is by T. Nicole Indigo and was part of our 2019 Summer Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.
**Warning, Contains Adult Themes**
A weighted pit sat at the core of my stomach. A tension welled at the tip of my throat, with each breath becoming more forced in between each sob. Half-dazed, through bloodshot red, swollen eyes, I stared at myself through the steamy bathroom mirror. I felt empathy for the reflection that was staring back at me, so obviously burdened with agony, and consumed by hurt. That type of pain that only heartbreak could bring.
I took several slow and deep breaths, trying my hardest to gain control over my emotions. I knew that I needed to focus. A small part of me felt that what I was about to do wouldn’t work. But that part of me was overshadowed by a burning desire to get what i wanted-what I so desperately needed. Love.
I opened the cabinet below the sink and gathered the supplies I would need. After months of studying the art of witchcraft, it was time to see if this magick really works. I placed my supplies on the counter to the right of the sink. I lit two red candles and filled a glass jar with a homemade love tincture that had been marinating for some weeks now. I poured a double shot of vodka into a wine glass and downed it at once. Even though I knew my body couldn’t bear another sip, my spirit still needed the courage. As the liquid slowly began to fulfill its purpose, I continued to arrange the counter with the remaining supplies; some red silk thread, six red roses, a picture of him and one of me.
I never wanted it to come to this. I didn’t want to have to ‘trick’ him into loving me. I honestly wanted him to fall in love with me the natural way. But after all this time, he’s left me no choice. I felt that deep down, he really did love me. He just didn’t quite know how to show it. He just needed a little sprinkle of fairy dust to help shift his perspective. He needed me just as much as I needed him. We were meant for each other. My heart told me so.
In the past, I had been too afraid to go through with any of my love spell rituals. I was too afraid they wouldn’t work. I’m not even a witch. But on this particular night, I was steaming with passion and brewing with enough emotion to conjure the most powerful of love energies. Tonight was surely the night.
The rain outside of the window had turned from a slow drizzle to a steady shower. I stared intensely at the flames of the red candles. I tried to imagine us being together. My love, my soulmate, my twinflame. It shouldn’t have been such a hard thing to imagine. We were together all the time. He was my best friend. He knew all of my secrets and I knew his. He knew all of my fears and didn’t judge me. He discovered all of my flaws, but didn’t care. Where all the others left me, he was there. But for some reason, I couldn’t picture it. I couldn’t imagine it. I couldn’t see us together.
I needed to focus. I recalled another manifestation technique that I had read about during my witchcraft studies. Surely, this would do the trick.
I hopped up on the edge of the counter and spread my left leg across the sink. I closed my eyes and began to rub my hands up and down my thigh until I started to feel a tingling moisture inside of my panties. I slid my finger beyond the lace, allowing my fingers to play wildly in the wetness. I imagined these were his hands and not mine. But I still couldn’t see his face. I couldn’t picture it.
I knew the laws of attraction. I had to be able to see it in my mind first, and feel the emotion of love. That’s the only way this would work.
Slightly frustrated, and somewhat desperate, I started to rub harder and faster. I could feel the pleasure intensifying by the second. I knew I was on the verge of explosion and I needed all of this energy to manifest my desire. All of this sexual energy building up was sure to do the trick. That-and his face. I reached across the sink with my free hand to grab his picture just as I could feel myself bracing to climax. Oooh baby, I moaned. Yes, baby-I love youuu, I sang, reaching my peak.
The candles on the counter burned with rage. The flames seemed furious, wildly blazing and now almost the height of the candles themselves. The sight of it scared but also excited me. Maybe this meant it would actually work. I did everything right. I set my intention, I set up the space, I created energy to fuel my desire, I visualized…
I tried to visualize.
It was then that I realized I hadn’t quite pictured his face in my mind. But it was okay, I told myself. I let out all of my intention onto that picture. I glanced down at the slightly crumpled photo to look at the handsome man who I had intended this spell for.
Only who I saw instead, was the picture of not him-but me. I had grabbed the wrong picture. I only slightly considered what this could have meant for the outcome of my spell but I instinctively knew what the spirit was trying to tell me. I gazed again at the photo of me and tried to remember this woman in the picture. We looked the same, but she was unmistakably a different version of me. Not the me now-broken, confused and ashamed. But the me who I hadn’t seen in a while, like maybe I knew her in another lifetime.
I shifted my focus to my breathing as it slowed, forcing me into a meditative-like trance. I couldn’t move. Still on top of the counter, I leaned back and to rest my head on the mirror. I couldn’t hear myself thinking anymore. My eyes got heavier as my emotions subsided. My heart beats normalized, my breath steadied. I drifted to a place where for a moment, I was content. It didn’t take too long before I became aware of the presence of someone else. Or something, I wasn’t quite sure. All I knew was that instead of the sound of nothing that once filled the space, a voice spoke up. Like a faint chanting in my spirit I could hear, “I love you.” The voice became louder and more clear, and after a while, it was apparent that that voice belonged to the me in the picture. The other me, the future me. That me was worthy, balanced, and happy.
It was there that I met her, or remembered her. This other version of me. “I love you” she reminded me. “You are enough. Please know that I am within you, and you will never find me in someone else.”
The liberating feeling that followed- the dissolve of fear and doubt, the emergence of courage that had nothing to do with the liquid substance that once burned my throat-now that, was pure magic.
Well, I’ll be damned.