This story is by Sara Khoukhi and was part of our 2020 Summer Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.
When asked to introduce myself, I usually say: my name’s Emily, I am a New Yorker, a history graduate, a passionate about the “Machu Pichu “ civilization…As life’s a true mislading irony, adventures took a different turn. Yesterday, I was on the point of pursuing my master’s degree at the prestigious Harvard’s History department, then professor Fisher called to tell it was CANCELED !…
That’s why, at the Bellevue’s Hospital on that Tuesday morning around 6 :00 AM, I would introduce myself differently, saying: ‘’I’m NEAR TO DEATH!’’ In TV shows, I’ve usually come across NDEs or “the Near-Death Experiences” that some experience during a coma: the strange sensation of getting out of their bodies,the light tunnel they go through where they meet the dead, this incredthe ability to “fly over”…
– Defibrillator, please!
– Step aside!
- Up to 180! Ashley! Set it up to 180! Can’t you hear me?
- Here, I am the one who says what gets done! loudly ordered professor MCCOY.
And there, I saw that shaking lady hesitating a while…
MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE, IDIOT CAN’T YOU JUST…
Annoyed by all the noise in the resuscitation room, I decided to ‘’fly over’’ the hallway; where I still could hear that doctor shouting:
- IDIOT, get out of here! And tonight see you for another disciplinary night shift…
I hope this will teach you good manners!
Near to a coffee machine, I spot that girl again, leaned by the wall crying as I never saw an adult doing so. To the point that I perceived behind her blue uniform, a five years child instead of the mature medical student. For a while, I forgave her lack of vigilance of the medical trainee…
And there was I again !Waking up at some emergency room, unable to manage something as basic as ending myself! How would I do that ?Even the poched eggs I’ve vainly tried to make were utter failure !! Ok,let’s say the prestigious egg yolk was not my cup of tea, still,every depressive matter is my ‘’house speciality !’’ Isn’t it ?
So,I kept going back and up along the hallway, then over the imposing “Bellevue’s Hospital” compound.
A few hours passed, I pinpointed a sort of a halo,impressively appealing. It was emanating from a an appartment in the Madison’s. The light from a pink lampshade was turned on. I got in, and I spot two pale shaking hands holding a black pen and writing in a hurry on a piece of paper. The person on that desk was the medical trainee!Curiously, I bent over her and I read:
“My name’s Ashley.Ashley Clark. Once, they said: Humans come to life in solitude and they leave in solitude, they come lonely and they pass away lonely…I’m not sure about the first part, yet, I can relate about the second one. A few months only, I wouldn’t agree on this: we come to life surrounded by a loving mom and dad,-at least the majority of us-, and we quit surrounded by grandchildren, or if we’re less lucky, at a nursing home surrounded by kind volunteers, nurses who would suit the job better than our own offspring! Life’s such a beautiful misleading irony!
And just like opioids addiction, in the beginning, isolation starts as a sort of pleasure, to the point that some are proud of it, proud of standing their loneliness; proud of feeling the “need” to be isolated!
Then it’s no more pleasure, it’s dependence just like to drugs or opioids! You never get rid of it even in the middle of a crowd …At this stage, isolation becomes your enemy: it exploits every ” down “of yours against you, and you become FRAGILE. Today, at the emergency department, we received a 22 years old young woman, a charming young lady…’’
And there,me, Emily, I genuinely identified with that Ashley ! I felt impressively compassionate with her, I felt we were two different expressions of an identic soul, poor Ashley…
Unfortunately, I could guess the next episode…And I perfectly realized that benting over her shoulder and reading peacefully that melancholic testament was necessarily making things worse! We need is to ACT in order to prevent her from ACTING! ‘’I’’ need to prevent her from being ISOLATED, ‘’I’’ need to do that because I’ve been THE BAD EXAMPLE to her. My suicide attempt was contagious in a tragic way!
To tell the truth, self-blaming too, had been an integral part of Emily’s personality. She perfectly knows that the sentences like :
“I’ve been responsible for..”, ‘’I needed to do this…’’ , “That” was terribly my mistake…’’ were the perfect primers for an anxiety crisis or a panic attack. Thus, in this situation, one motto’s arising: “One man’s pain’s another’s man gain”.Emily’s panic attack ought to be preventing Ashley’s acting out. Emily had an idea ! Theoretically,she wanted to phone Emily from one of her colleagues phones,pretending to invite her for a dinner . First,this would interrupt the lethal flow of depressive thoughts; besides it’s going to be a good boost of energy for Emily’s deteriorated mood…’’Theoretically ! ‘’
PRACTICALLY,when she flew over a few meters away,things went differently :
One could hear …“Brrr, brrr…” : Emily’s appartment was bathed under the resonnace of her ringing phone.. with this tenth consecutive missed call…
Immediately, Emily,the “Near-Death Lady” understood that something was definitely going wrong…
At the apartment,the medical trainee was steadily stepping towards the fridge, attaching that piece of paper torn from a school notebook, where one still could read:
” Today, I felt useless, every time I get a disciplinary night shift I just feel useless and empty as well as ashamed and outraged ! Especially in front of my patients or teammates. In the morning, during the training, I keep doing my best to learn, and those residents ! They keep making jokes out of our legitime mistakes!
Yesterday, a medical student, at the dermatology department, was diagnosed with type I diabetes. Her doctor said it was just her immune system attacking her beta cells of the pancreas.‘’Bad luck’’. What I say is that it is just too much pressure! Professor Dovel, the chief physician is just a true HANGWOMAN!”
Ashley opened the fridge, picked the large glass bowl, and sat down the floor. She enjoyed every single crumb of those two remaining spoons of that tasty tiramisu leftovers. She turned on the gas stove, emptied the orange bottle of pills with Ambien CR(Zolpidem Tartrate) 500 mg, the most prescribed sleeping pill in the United States. Her head inside the oven, she fell asleep as a satiated baby…
On the fridge, others words were still resonnating :
“All of this, regarding this pressure, your body triggers a cascade of reactions in spites of you: your hair keeps falling, past that time when you join your pillow like a ‘’normal’’ person, the way a ‘’nonmedical student’’ would do.You join it either with a cocktail of anxiolytics or daily overthinking and anxiety rituals…
Mom and dad, these words are for you, don’t feel responsible for anything! You’ve done your best!
The hurt you’ll feel is exactly the one my soul has been undergoing under solitude. Merciless, it confined me since I entered med school, alone fighting my own demons: Anxiety, depression, and pressure.
When my cadaver will join the soil, in a few hours starting another isolation journey,-but at least a peaceful one-; my will to you is only going to be this: no matter how hard it is to go through the pain, only keep in mind that isolation is closer than you may imagine! It’s always there,just like a coward demon waiting for the right moment to make alliance with them: Anxiety, depression, and pressure. If it succeeds, you’re already dead! Otherwise, make them your friends, many people will get through them and triumph. Artists go through depression and make masterpieces out of it so choose to be artists of your sorrows. Goodbye and I love you,
Your cutie Ashley.”
Outside, over the city that once belonged to her, it rained cats and dogs. Inside, she was sleeping like an angel.
On the digital radio alarm clock, 19: 46 was displayed in large red characters. It was not the right time for her to quit neither for Emily…Outside, the sirene from the ambulance, the first snowballs hitting the ground, were sort of omens that another episode was just about to start for both of them…
Two hours later,and, here’s Emily, already back from ‘’the big crossing’’.No more among ‘’the dead ‘’,.She takes a glance at the resuscitation bed next to hers where she identifies Ashley.Ashley, the lady with whom she doesn’t only share the same emergency room, yet, the same inner demons and persisting fears. And one more trait ,especially, solitude and isolation. Now, Ashley’s progressively regaining consciousness, reopening her eyes. She’s waving at Emily with the largest beautiful smile ever seen!
Mom and dad, these words are for you, don’t feel responsible for anything! You’ve done your best!
The hurt you’ll feel is exactly the one my soul has been undergoing under solitude. Merciless, it confined me since I entered med school, alone fighting my own demons: Anxiety, depression, and pressure.
When my cadaver will join the soil, in a few hours starting another isolation journey,-but at least a peaceful one-; my will to you is only going to be this: no matter how hard it is to go through the pain, only keep in mind that isolation is closer than you may imagine! It’s always there,just like a coward demon waiting for the right moment to make alliance with them: Anxiety, depression, and pressure. If it succeeds, you’re already dead! Otherwise, make them your friends, many people will get through them and triumph. Artists go through depression and make masterpieces out of it so choose to be artists of your sorrows. Goodbye and I love you,
Your cutie Ashley.”
Outside, over the city that once belonged to her, it rained cats and dogs. Inside, she was sleeping like an angel.
On the digital radio alarm clock, 19: 46 was displayed in large red characters. It was not the right time for her to quit neither for Emily…Outside, the sirene from the ambulance, the first snowballs hitting the ground, were sort of omens that another episode was just about to start for both of them…
Two hours later,and, here’s Emily, already back from ‘’the big crossing’’.No more among ‘’the dead ‘’,.She takes a glance at the resuscitation bed next to hers where she identifies Ashley.Ashley, the lady with whom she doesn’t only share the same emergency room, yet, the same inner demons and persisting fears. And one more trait ,especially, solitude and isolation. Now, Ashley’s progressively regaining consciousness, reopening her eyes. She’s waving at Emily with the largest beautiful smile ever seen!
From these two angelic smiles are emanating recognition, hopeful promises, and rebirth… A lot of questions rushing into their little minds: is this finally their last encounter with isolation? So, Emily returns her the smile and they both fix their visions on, as the first light of dawn is piercing the utter darkness of this finally leaving infernal night …
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