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Forgive Me

May 22, 2018 by Spring 2018 Writing Contest 39 Comments

This story is by Jessica Deen and won an honorable mention in our 2018 Spring Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.

Jessica Deen has traditionally focused her writing talents on crafting emails at work and lending advice to her kids for their speech competitions. She is now concentrating her efforts on writing short fiction and building an audience of her own. Her website, jessicadeener.com, is coming July 1, 2018.

Forgive Me

I knelt next to Rasha in the makeshift hospital after the longest twelve hours of my life. I had begun the day thinking things couldn’t get much worse. After all, our world was literally crumbling around us.

My husband had left a year ago to fight in a war that had the people of our country pitted against each other and we knew we would all lose in the end. Since I hadn’t heard from him in so long, I had spent the last few months believing he was already dead. My mother had come to help with Rasha, and the boys, Tahir and Faisal, but she started getting sick and only I cared.

We woke most days, if we had the fortune of sleeping at all, to the rattling of what was left of our windows. Pops of gunshots, booms of bombs, and the deafening hum of the tanks roaming what used to be our streets kept us awake. Most of the time we stayed inside where we falsely felt safer because leaving our home was devastating. Rubble littered the ground. Blood stained the areas where I imagined my kids would play and cries from the injured and hungry filled my ears.

That morning, my mother had not felt well enough to get out of bed. Her breath was laboured and it was, no doubt, from the dust and plaster in the air which we had no choice but to inhale. She called out from her room as I was trying to calm the boys. They were inconsolable and at one and two-and-a-half years old I couldn’t help them to understand that maybe there would be more food tomorrow. I held Faisal close to my chest and rubbed Tahir’s back hoping that it offered some comfort.

Rasha jumped up before I had a chance and said, “I’ll check Grandma.” Her tender, helpful heart made me smile just a little and I secretly hoped that she never lost those traits despite the circumstances in which she would have to grow up. She galloped down the hall and at the same second I saw her disappear into the adjacent room, I felt the sound before I heard it and my stomach sank.

With a crack, the whole house shook and my mother screamed with all the strength she had left. I bolted to the room and found the window shattered with my daughter standing silently surrounded by glass. I ran to her, ignoring the shards slicing my own feet and scooped her into my arms. I surveyed her face and, with relief, noticed that she seemed to only have a few small cuts on her face.

I closed my eyes and squeezed her close to me, my heart rate slowing as I breathed her in. The moment faded quickly when I realized my hands were wet and warm at her back. I opened my hands as I looked over her shoulder to see them red and dripping. I held her at arm’s length and watched the colour drain from her face, her eyes wide.

Time slowed suddenly and I seemed to be floating and watching from above. The soldiers that had been stationed outside our building for protection barged through the doors to evaluate the damage. They hurried us outside and loaded us into vehicles that flew away from our house, but to where I wasn’t sure. I barely registered the chaos around me or the fact that Faisal was crying for his mama with his arms outstretched and I didn’t reach back for him.

When we stopped, we had reached the hospital and things moved around me as if I wasn’t there. Beds were full of patients who were bloodied and unconscious and uniformed, foreign soldiers moved between them, checking vitals and hollering words I couldn’t understand. When I turned back to Rasha, who had been placed on a gurney, there were people attending to the gaping wound in her back. With this sight, adrenaline shook my body and I bent over and vomited on my bare feet.

A woman came and whisked me away to sit me down where a dirty sheet hung from the ceiling and separated me from my daughter. I was unresponsive when the woman with the kind eyes and jowls that shook when she spoke crouched down at my level to tell me Rasha was likely going to die. There was an exception to this though, something that I could do. Her words sounded like they were being spoken underwater, but I understood on a cellular level, each syllable carving a piece of me away.

Slowly, she explained that Rasha and I could go to Canada. Since she is stable for now, the soldiers could take us where there would be a doctor ready to operate, to potentially save her life. She was careful to make sure not to lift my hopes too high. Rasha was still critically ill and there were no guarantees. She told me this as if I needed a reminder.

There was a catch. This offered entry into a peaceful country would not come without a cost because it was only available for Rasha and her guardian. In short, if I accepted to save my daughter, I must choose to leave the rest of my family behind. I must choose to leave my husband for whom I still held hope in the deepest part of my heart would return. I must choose to leave my mother who was likely already living her final days. And, my boys. My precious boys.

With the first signs of comprehension, my head fell into my hands with salty drips falling without end from my eyes. Her attempt to reassure me was to lay a hand on my shoulder and to make clear what an opportunity this was for Rasha and I to start a new life. I created a picture while she spoke of a recovered young girl with the dark eyes and hair with the sweetest smile running in a neighbourhood with other kids where it was safe to do such a thing. The woman suggested that if we took this chance to save her, Rasha may even forget the horror of life in this place.

Though her intentions were honourable, what she failed to recognize was that despite all of this, I wouldn’t want her to forget where she came from. At this thought, the dam that had steadfastly held my anger at bay broke apart and I unleashed venom and fury in her direction that was not deserved. I had stood so quickly, I sent my flimsy seat toppling behind me. I towered over her then, pointing inches from her shocked face and screamed, “Get away from me!” I could not find the words to dare her to insinuate again that my home is a place that should be erased from her memory.

She watched without sound as I threw back the sheet to get to my daughter. I sat by her side and laid my head with hers. I imagined the moment the doctor would come and tell me, “Your daughter is going to be just fine. She is going to go to school, make friends, be happy.” My heart could have burst with love and the possibility I could give this to her. A smile played at the corners of my mouth just as guilt punched my gut harder than ever before.

If I saved Rasha, or tried to save her, what would that mean for my sons? There was no one here to care for them after my mother and her time was limited. Their helplessness ate at my stomach and it threatened to empty itself again without warning. People didn’t take orphans in around here. They didn’t have the means to care for their own.

I selfishly considered what either outcome would look like for me. If Rasha died here, I could blame the enemy troops for the bombing. I could blame Allah, a higher power, for allowing her to die and for the horror we’ve experienced to even exist. I could trick myself into not blaming me.

If we left for Canada, and Rasha was healed and happy, it could be a death sentence for her siblings. Would my sons die of hunger or thirst? Would they be killed in a similar incident? Would they remember me? I couldn’t live with myself and I don’t know if I could look at my daughter without seeing the parts of me I deserted.

I was forced into being strong and playing god. I looked first to the sky in exasperation and then at Rasha’s face. I touched her cheek and committed to holding her small warm hand until her last breath. My tears landed hot and fast and I moved my lips close to the curve of her ear, hoping beyond anything that she could hear me. I whispered between sobs, “Please forgive me.”

Filed Under: 2018 Spring Writing Contest, Drama

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Comments

  1. Farrah says

    April 10, 2018 at 1:37 pm

    Amazing! Heart wrenching! I cried at this mother’s devotion and strength it took for her to make that decision. Awesome work Jessica!

    Reply
  2. Paula says

    April 10, 2018 at 3:00 pm

    Very well written. You have succeed in capturing the attention of the reader and holding on to it until the very last word. Congratulations Jess!!!!

    Reply
  3. Claire says

    April 10, 2018 at 3:12 pm

    I loved it jess. It got my attention. Great job❤️

    Reply
  4. Catherine says

    April 10, 2018 at 3:33 pm

    It takes talent to turn words into emotions. You definitely left me wanting more. Keep writing so we can keep reading 🙂

    Reply
  5. Angie says

    April 10, 2018 at 3:44 pm

    This made my stomach hurt in the BEST possible way! I want more!!!! So proud of you Jess ❤❤❤

    Reply
  6. Courtney says

    April 10, 2018 at 3:53 pm

    Great read Jess! You had me hooked from the first word to the last. You motivate me to want to write more. Amazing job, and congratulations!

    Reply
  7. Lauren says

    April 10, 2018 at 8:31 pm

    Incredible ♥️

    Reply
  8. Kimberly Dawn Rempel says

    April 14, 2018 at 9:22 am

    Wow, what a beautifully sad story. You got me. Tears filled my eyes with those final, heart-breaking words.
    Well written, well told. Brilliant story!

    Reply
    • Mrs Jessica L Deen says

      April 27, 2018 at 12:40 pm

      Thank you so much, Kim. Your comment means so much, especially after reading your incredible story. You are one talented writer! Congratulations on your win and all the best to you!

      Reply
  9. Leah says

    April 17, 2018 at 10:06 pm

    Well done Jess. Powerful! Could feel the mothers love and desperation in your words. Great job! Would love to read more from you!

    Reply
  10. Diane St.Amant says

    April 18, 2018 at 8:18 am

    OMG I have goosebumps. What a touching and haunting story. Please keep sharing your remarkable talent. Well done! I can’t wait to read the next one!

    Reply
  11. Ingrid Pearce says

    April 18, 2018 at 1:47 pm

    You captured me from the beginning of this moving story and offered a very distinct best bad choice. Well done, Jess!

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      April 29, 2018 at 3:49 pm

      Thanks, Ingrid. I’m so touched that you took the time to read it.

      Reply
  12. J.H. O'Rourke says

    April 19, 2018 at 11:16 pm

    Hi Jessica, your story captured my attention from the beginning and didn’t let go. What a heart-breaking, impossible choice for a mother to have to make. You absolutely nailed the theme of ‘best bad choice’. I loved the ending. Best of luck in the contest!

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      April 29, 2018 at 3:48 pm

      Thank you for taking the time to read it. This was scary because it’s the first piece of writing I’ve put out for others to see and your kind feedback makes me want to keep writing.

      Reply
  13. Roxanne says

    May 21, 2018 at 8:23 pm

    Wow!
    I’m so excited to read more. I’ve never been brought into a story so quickly. Amazing work Jessica!

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 21, 2018 at 10:31 pm

      Thank you so much for reading it, Roxanne! It really means a lot to me

      Reply
  14. Karen Hall says

    May 22, 2018 at 2:19 pm

    Heart-wrenching and beautiful!

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 22, 2018 at 6:45 pm

      Hi Karen! Thank you so much for reading. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      Reply
  15. Karen says

    May 22, 2018 at 2:21 pm

    Heart-wrenchingly beautiful!

    Reply
  16. Billie Wade says

    May 22, 2018 at 2:50 pm

    Jessica, what a compelling, gripping story of a mother’s devotion and the terrible choice that confronted her. Excellent writing. Thank you for sharing this story. Keep writing and much success to you in your writing endeavors.

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 22, 2018 at 6:49 pm

      Hi Billie, thank you for your kind words. This was the first story I put out for anyone to read and encouraging comments like yours inspire me to keep writing. Thank you again for reading.

      Reply
  17. Evelyn Sinclair says

    May 22, 2018 at 4:41 pm

    I empathise totally with you, though my choice was less complicated. I choose to bring my daughter to the UK via a joint decision – our marriage to survive or our daughter to survive. Our daughter survived but the marriage didn’t. The way you inject emotion into your story is awesome. Keep writing.

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 22, 2018 at 6:52 pm

      Hi Evelyn, thank you for taking the time to read my story and for sharing a bit of yours. I can’t imagine the courage it must have taken for a move like that. I am so glad your daughter is well and hope that you’re healing from the loss of your marriage. Take good care!

      Reply
  18. Dita Basu says

    May 22, 2018 at 8:31 pm

    A great story. Keep writing.

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 22, 2018 at 10:12 pm

      Thanks Dita! I will definitely keep writing.

      Reply
  19. Gary says

    May 22, 2018 at 10:52 pm

    In war often there is no way to win. This story was an excellent reminder of that. How could she choose between her children which to live or which to die? She was torn as are the readers when they walk her path. This story pulls at many heart strings well. Congratulations.

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 23, 2018 at 12:12 pm

      Thank you very much, Gary. Though this story is fiction it could truly be someone’s reality and I’m grateful to know that I was able to portray her dilemma well to those who read the story. Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  20. Mary Derksen says

    May 23, 2018 at 1:28 pm

    Jessica, truly heart-rending and emotional. Perhaps you know someone who had a similar experience?
    May we be reminded that thousands of refugees in the middle east are experienceing these horrors.
    This is not just a story. It is history – history that is happening now to thousands in war-torn countries.
    May we open our hearts to do what we can. Your story is challenging me – How can I help?

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 25, 2018 at 6:46 pm

      Hi Mary,
      Thank you so much for reading. I don’t know anyone who had a similar experience, but like many writers, I draw on many different stories and headlines to generate ideas. What else can any one hope for but to create something that inspires someone to initiate change? Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.

      Reply
  21. Rathin Bhattacharjee says

    May 27, 2018 at 12:29 pm

    Hi, Jessica,
    You had me divided into two with your story. One part was crying hoarse to the mother to get to Canada at the earliest to save the child, Rasha, the other part was urging her to stay back for her mother and the two boys. The sacrifices that mothers have to make!
    I like the ending of the story where she holds her hand till the last and utters those magical words ‘Forgive me’. Thank you for being able to capture and portray the inner conflict of the mother most poignantly.
    This being your first attemot at writing a story, it goes without saying that you have great potential. Keep sharpening your writing skills. God bless.

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 28, 2018 at 12:16 pm

      Thank you, Rathin. I appreciate your remarks so very much. It’s a vulnerable act to put something you’ve created out for others to judge and interpret. There are some stories I’ve read that were so powerful I’ve never forgotten them and it’s an honour to have you read my words and express the emotions it brought out in you. Thank you for sharing with me. All the best to you!

      Reply
  22. Helaina says

    May 29, 2018 at 5:02 pm

    Jessica this is very impressive. Through the whole story I keep thinking, what would I do. It makes me believe no matter what, you find the strength
    from somewhere to deal with anything. Very inspiring. It was great to see you and your family on the weekend. Please let me know when your web site is up. Thanks

    Reply
    • Jessica Deen says

      May 29, 2018 at 7:20 pm

      Thanks Helaina!! ❤️ You are so right. I’ve always believed that people think things will break them and somehow they manage to come through. I will definitely let you know when the site is up. Take care

      Reply
  23. TD says

    June 7, 2018 at 5:57 pm

    Quite a story!

    Reply
  24. Angela says

    July 6, 2018 at 1:02 am

    Thank you Jess! Your story really pulled me in, and brought tears to my eyes. Wonderful job.

    Reply
  25. Jaclynn Woodley Smith says

    August 6, 2018 at 11:43 am

    Jessica,
    I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Life can be so complicated. Very powerful ending. I look forward to
    reading more of your writing.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Let's Celebrate the Winners of the Spring Writing Contest! - The Write Practice says:
    July 5, 2018 at 11:53 am

    […] Forgive Me by Jessica Deen A Visit From Death by Christopher Hikari White Blanket by Sevan Ivory A Thousand Fires by Samran Ramzan To Keep the Beast Away by Sam Roche […]

    Reply
  2. Let’s Celebrate the Winners of the Spring Writing Contest! | Working Rich Class says:
    July 29, 2018 at 6:29 am

    […] Forgive Me by Jessica Deen A Visit From Death by Christopher Hikari White Blanket by Sevan Ivory A Thousand Fires by Samran Ramzan To Keep the Beast Away by Sam Roche […]

    Reply

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