This story is by Bobbie Cahill and was part of our 2017 Fall Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.
Dear Sam & Dean,
How do I tell you just what you both mean to me? I cannot have one without the other, for I love you both. You have touched my core in a way I never would have expected. I fell and I fell hard. I’ve watched your struggles with life together and apart. Each searching a different path but coming together out of need. One kicking and screaming the other pulling and both needing each other because you are family.
As a voyeur, I’ve watched you make friends, take lovers, struggle with demons, both real and of your own making, lose loved ones and each other. Trusting each other has not been easy for you and trusting others has not been easy for me. It is fair to say I’ve learned how to trust from watching you two as you come to terms with the need to be honest with yourselves and each other.
I’ve learned to trust that when you two get into and out of trouble, I will laugh. And at those times when you come close to touching the core that holds all that is dear to you but not quite saying it, I cry. Because you touch me, too. And I love you both for it. You two brothers have found a place in my heart.
I am fascinated how complete strangers, living a life I will never really know, have created a world in which I am continually drawn in. Family is redefined for me and no longer just about blood. I watched you both accept each other, flaws and all, as well as the many members of your extended family, who see you as you are and love you for it just the same. I do the same. When I feel sad or in need of someone singing just for me, I turn on the video of Dean, guitar in hand, belting out one of many classic rock tunes sounding fresh and new.
It has been a few short years since getting a divorce. Finding you two has helped me fill the void left from no longer having someone at my side. The quiet of an empty nest takes some getting used to and with some couples coming out the other side, they are stronger. They savor the taste of each other in a new-found way and fall in love all over again.
That is not my story. All the problems and differences we had were suddenly in the bright light and undeniable. At least to me. Where is the partner who is always to be by my side, like Sam and Dean? Always seeing the best that is me and unafraid to stick with me no matter how bad I thought I was? Instead, my partner pointed out my short comings in an unforgiving way. Or knocked me down if doing well, as if I was in some way rising above my place. When I had a dilemma or life puzzle to figure out I felt I had no one to whom I could talk it through. To say, “we will get through this!” No one to say, “Great job! I knew you could do it!” I realize now I want to be Sam-antha to someone’s Dean. Though I am much shorter.
I want to realize, like Sam and Dean, there is someone with whom I am better together than apart and we both want the best of life for each other even if I don’t always feel it for myself. I want to face all my life’s dangers and fears with the same courage as the Winchester brothers. I know that courage is as much about being afraid and doing “it” any way, whatever that “it” is. Courage is standing up to that old thought pattern learned long ago that says “I and not good enough” but still go on and live my truth. It is being fearless of the consequences and just focus on the need to complete the task. For the Winchesters, it is continuing the family business.
Watching you two, I learn there is a better way for me, one where I love and trust myself as you two have learned to love and trust each other. Yes, I know what you are thinking. Sam and Dean are not real and this is only fantasy. But they speak the human condition just as well as the poet and the painter. It is poetry and artistry to be able to touch people’s hearts and show them life in a loving and authentic way, with the dark side as well as in the light.
I wonder how this will all end as you head into your 13th year together. Will Sam and Dean be in a heaven where you continue to fight monsters alone side angels and demons? Will there be a peace where you are surrounded by all the ones you have loved and lost? Maybe the mantle will be passed on to others to take up the fight.
And what of you two? When you take off the skin that is Sam, Jared, where will you leave him? In some research environment with a pretty, female sidekick? And what of your brother, Dean? Will he find peace no longer living on the knife’s edge that is Dean’s life, Jensen? No longer with Sam by his side? Or having the occasion to ride shotgun with an angel or a demon king? Perhaps both of you will settle into a quiet life with wife and kids on a Texas ranch.
The twelve years of Sam and Dean, so full of drama, love, loss and laughter have flown by in a few short months. I know the end is not yet written though it is on the horizon. Until then I wait to see into what other troubles the Winchester brothers and their friends find themselves. I will laugh and cry with each new episode the two of you bring to life for me and all the rest of your fans. It has been a supernatural journey indeed.
All that is left for me to say is “thank you.” Thank you for showing me there are always angels and demons to help and overcome; that we all struggle with the sense of self. Some of us are lucky enough to have someone by our side through it all. And on those days when I feel exalted or humbled, with a need to get away from it all, I just turn to Sam and Dean and Supernatural.