Kyle Getz is a Seattle-based writer who has published work in The James Franco Review and on the comments section of YouTube. Kyle has been called “a fresh new face to watch” by his parole officer. You definitely should not look at his Facebook page or watch his ridiculous videos on YouTube.
Do not let a boy move in with you after the first date. He will sleep in your bed and eat your food. He will slip into your robe and slip into you, too. He will make you laugh. He will copy your key and use it to come in and out of the front door. Sometimes, he will come in the back door. He will lose his key and need you to come home to let him into your house, as if he belongs in your house and expects to get in. When you do, he will kiss you on your mouth, as if he belongs in your mouth and expects to get in.
Do not let a boy bring his couch when he moves in. It will be an ugly couch, I promise. But you will sit on it, and soon you will not hate it. You will think to yourself, I guess it is not so bad. He will use his key to come into your house, and he will sit beside you. You will wonder why he sat beside you. You may even hate it at first. But he will keep sitting beside you, and soon you will think to yourself, I guess it is not so bad.
Do not let a boy hold you on his couch. When he holds you, he will put his hands in a spot on your back where you do not like to be touched. Remember how ugly that couch once looked? Well, now it looks pretty okay and he is holding you while you lie on it and he is touching that spot on your back where you do not like to be touched. Tell him not to hold you. Tell him not to touch that spot on your back. Otherwise, there will be a night when he holds you and touches the spot on your back and it will feel nice because it is now the spot on your back where you do not like anyone else to touch but him.
Do not let a boy fall in love with you. The key and the not-so-bad-now couch and the touching, it will all seem like nothing when he falls in love with you. You do not want him to fall in love with you. It will be uncomfortable. Think of the discomfort and run away. It will be messy. Think of the mess and run away. It will be sappy. Think of the sap and run away. It will be a disaster. It may feel like happiness, but it is not. So think of the disaster and run away. Because when a boy falls in love with you, you will fall in love with him, too.
Do not let a boy marry you. Once you love a boy, he will marry you. And you will marry him, not because he moved in after the first date, but because he asked you and you said yes and you want to because he loves you and you love him, too. But do not worry; there is hope. After you marry a boy, he will leave you.
When a boy leaves you, he will not hold you anymore. He should not hold you anymore. No one will hold you anymore. No one will touch the spot on your back where you do not like to be touched. It is your spot again.
When a boy leaves you, he will take his ugly couch. You started to like it, didn’t you? You started to like the couch and now you cannot lie on it anymore because it is not there. You will buy a new couch, your own couch. Your couch cannot leave you because it is a couch.
When a boy leaves you, he will give you back your key. Now you have two keys. You will never have to come home to let someone in after they have lost their key. In fact, no one will need anything from you anymore so everything will be fine.
And whatever you do, do not let another boy move in with you after the last boy moves out. Even if you did, it would make no difference. Boys that move in always move out, eventually.