Crossroads – A Memoir

This story is by Ann McDonald and was part of our 2024 Spring Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.

Yesterday, I don’t remember exactly what time, but I noticed that the loss of my words was worse than the day before. I’ve struggled with word loss for several months now. I think it started when I took a tumble and fell down, full force, flat on my face.

I didn’t realize what had happened right then as I was just trying to get up and no one was around. I managed to roll over and raised my upper body so I could sit on the curb. I couldn’t get up and there was blood everywhere.

I didn’t know where it was coming from, but while waiting for someone to walk by, I touched my face and found most of the blood was coming from my top lip which was cut through by my teeth. It’s amazing how much blood flows from a lip. Then, bleeding gashes on one leg, and just a scrape on the other.

Anyway, my hands were covered with blood so I didn’t want to try and get up by leaning on a white car parked next to me. So…I sat there and prayed. I asked God to help me get up so I could get back to my car where my husband was inside waiting for me. He has late Alzheimer’s disease and he can’t think clearly about what’s happening around him.

In just a few minutes, a woman showed up walking between two cars. She saw me and came right over.

“Are you okay? What happened?” she asked.

“I think I’m okay except I can’t get up. Once I’m up I’ll be fine. Would you mind pulling me up so I can stand?” I asked.

“It’s okay, I can get you up.” The woman dropped her tote bag and walked behind me. She put her arms under my arms and just lifted me up, like I weighed nothing. I’m not fat, but not skinny either. She was obviously an angel…the answer to my prayer.

I wanted to hug her, but my face, hands, leg and clothing were bloody. While she asked what happened, three other people came out of a store behind us. After a few minutes of questions from them and offers to help getting me cleaned up, I thanked them and walked back to my car.

My husband hadn’t remembered I’d been gone as he has no sense of time. I told him I fell down, but I was okay. Within a minute he didn’t remember what I told him, and he was fine. In reality I was shaky and wanted to sit in the car for a few minutes before I got out on the road.

I’ve always kept bottled water and paper towels in the car, and by the time I’d cleaned myself up enough to not scare anyone, my shakes had calmed and we headed for home. While I was driving home, I said a prayer of thanksgiving for the immediate answer to my prayer.

***

There were several consequences from the fall. My two front teeth moved forward and to the left; headaches became much worse than my sinus headaches; dizziness frequently; soreness all over my body. It’s been eight months, and I’ve continued to have dizzy spells and headaches.

The worse part after the teeth were fixed, and I was no longer in pain when trying to eat, I noticed I had difficulty finding words I was looking for. Over a few months it became worse and then seemed to stop. No better no worse—until yesterday.

It was an obvious change to the point of not being able to clearly state a simple sentence. I spent the evening and into the night doing research about loss of words.

I’d heard about word loss as a symptom of a type of dementia. I found ten types and read them all. One of the types of dementia’s symptoms included head injury or trauma as a potential cause of word loss. It also included dizziness.

***

So—here’s the deal. What do I do now? I’m definitely at a crossroad in my life. It’s not just me losing words. It’s more about what I do if it gets worse, and I could no longer take care of my husband, and do all the things I have to do that he can no longer do. I don’t sleep much, and I think that may add to the situation.

I’m an intelligent woman, without words unfortunately, but I do understand I should go to the doctor as soon as possible. I tried to go when I fell. My friend said I may have had a concussion. I called but they wouldn’t fit me in until a month later. My friend’s wife suggested I call Teladoc which happens to be through my insurance company. After giving my name and number, the doctor called me right away. He said my doctor should have had me come in within a day or two, but he told me what to do and then advised I go to Urgent Care if things got worse.

Of course—this intelligent, wordless woman—didn’t go. I just didn’t think it was that bad. I had already cancelled the original appointment for a month away, and I went on with life as if nothing happened. Over time I became attached to the Google page on my phone so I could find the words I needed and it worked okay—until yesterday.

***

The word “dementia” or Alzheimer’s, a type of dementia, is frightening. It paints a picture of a man or woman losing everything and everyone they’ve ever known, and for the most part when it progresses, they don’t know what’s happening or why they are there.

However, there is that time before it gets quite that far. It’s the earlier stages where memories and knowledge and daily activities are still intact. We think we’re doing fine. Gradually, the happening of what appears to be normal, isn’t. We still do everything we need to do, but the doing all happens at the same time in our frenzied head. True chaos within our brain. Our mind is still functioning, but frustration and attempts to get anything done is futile.

Until yesterday, I just thought I had too much to do because my dear husband was no longer able to do the things he’s always done. Added to that, my three elderly dogs, two of which are large, need medications and specialized feeding that I cook and freeze every ten days. Our home where we’ve lived for thirty years is now in desperate need of getting rid of almost everything, and not having the time, energy or strength to clean. And …so it goes.

Then there’s the pain in my head, the dizziness, and the fear when one of my sandals almost causes me to fall when I catch it on a rug or pebble. Finally going to bed only to lie there for three hours wide awake and then getting up to follow my husband when he wanders through the house during the night.

***

Writing my memoir has become more a way of telling the truth to myself rather than a story. Are there crossroads leading in different directions for this life that I and my husband are living in? What do I do now?

The road most traveled is by far the easiest, but probably not the best. What I want is to stay where I am, do what I do, and do the best I can. Then, when something worse happens, I’ll deal with it. That’s what I do now, and that’s what I want to keep doing.

The second direction would be the doctor, telling her everything that’s happening now and before. This would create an endless list of tests, scans, and pills. The worst possibility would be having surgery. That possibility would end my husband’s life as he knows it at that particular point.

A third direction is still in early stages of thinking it out. Possibly hiring a Home Care person who can be with my husband if I have to be away. Or maybe find a person to live with us if I already knew them, but that’s unlikely. Moving closer to our family would be lovely—except it’s a hundred miles away, too expensive to buy or even rent a house there, and all personal services we’ve known and used forever would not be available.

***

After searching through all the choices I could think of last night, I went to bed. I was awake a while and slept a while. Today—my crossroad, whatever direction it turns out to be, is going to be found through my prayers and God’s plan for both of us. My job in all this is to listen carefully to the whispers of God and follow the guidance given.

The End