Short Fiction Break

Break From Reality. Daily.

A Sense of Foreboding

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This story is by J. H. O’Rourke and was part of our 2018 Spring Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.

Ever since Carrie Harding’s mutilated body was found on the side of the road last month, I’ve scarcely left my apartment, except to go to class.

I had absolutely no intention of going out last night, but Laurel talked me into it.  

After insisting that I stop hibernating and come out for drinks, her voice softened with concern.

“I’m worried about you, Sami.  Locking yourself up in your apartment isn’t healthy.  You need to get out and live your life.”

When I arrived at the bar, Laurel spotted me right away and motioned me over to the table where several of my classmates were already seated.

“You’re here!” she exclaimed, as I took the chair beside hers.  “I wasn’t sure you’d actually show up!” 

“I wasn’t sure myself,” I admitted, “I’ve had a sick feeling like something bad is going to happen all day and it’s driving me nuts.”

Laurel flagged down the waitress.  “Maybe a drink will help.”

As usual, Laurel held court at our table.  Her outgoing, friendly personality made her popular within our group, while her tall, slim frame, pretty face, and long blond hair attracted the attention of a number of guys at neighboring tables.

I watched, fascinated, as Laurel kept up several conversations at once, even finding the time to introduce me to a few people she had just met.

The main topic of conversation was the ongoing manhunt for the maniac who had killed Carrie, a fellow university student.  She was the third young woman in the past six months who had been raped, murdered, and dumped in a ditch.  The media had dubbed him the Daybreak Slayer since the bodies had all been discovered early in the morning.  

Before I knew it, it was closing time and the bar staff began ushering everyone out.  Laurel and I grabbed our jackets and headed outside.

“You’ve gotta admit it, Sami, that Todd guy was hot!  I gave him my phone number,” Laurel confided, “I hope he calls me.”  She was watching the steady drove of patrons exiting the door as if keeping an eye out for him.

I tried to visualize Todd and vaguely remembered a good-looking blond guy with a great smile.  

“Of course he’ll call you!” I exclaimed, “He’d be crazy not to.”

“I’m so glad you came out tonight, Sami.”

“Me too,” I admitted.

Laurel gave me a hug. “See you tomorrow!”  She started to walk away.

“Hey, Laurel!  I’m about to call a taxi.  Want to wait with me and get dropped off?” I asked, “It’s a bad idea to walk alone at this time of night, especially after what happened to Carrie and the other girls.” I shivered at the thought.

“No thanks. It’s just a five-minute walk for me.  By the time your taxi gets here, I’ll be in bed!”

With a final wave, she began walking towards the intersection of Dobson Road and Vine Avenue, about half a block away.

As I groped in my purse for my phone, I watched her turn left on Vine.  By the time she was out of sight, the bouncer had gone back inside and I was alone.

My phone wasn’t in my purse, so I checked my jacket pockets, but it wasn’t there either. Starting to panic, I pounded on the front door of the building, but my knocking went unanswered.

It was then that I noticed a black pickup truck with orange flames idling on the road a few feet away.  The windows were tinted and the cargo bed was covered with heavy canvas.

The driver was staring straight ahead.

When he turned and looked at me, I realized that he was Todd, the guy who Laurel had been smitten with inside the bar.

I wondered how long he’d been sitting there.

“Hey, Sami, is it?” he inquired with a smile, “Need a lift?”  

I considered the offer for just a moment.  If I refused, I would have to walk the several blocks to my apartment.  But my feeling of uneasiness, which had been masked by the drinks and company in the bar, came back full force.

With all of the unsolved murders in the area, I decided not to chance getting into a vehicle with a stranger.

“I appreciate the offer, but my ride will be here any second,” I lied.

As the truck zoomed off, I caught a glimpse of the driver’s vanity license plate, LDYZMN, and rolled my eyes.  

As soon as the driver hung a left at the next stop sign and the truck disappeared, I headed in the same direction and turned right onto Vine.

Walking quickly down the dimly lit road, I thought I heard a vehicle backfire somewhere behind me.  

I hope he doesn’t come back this way and see me walking.

A few minutes later, I heard a noise and nervously looked around.  The road was deserted.  

Get a grip!

Then I heard what sounded like footsteps.  Terrified, I whirled around, but no one was behind me.

This is ridiculous, I silently berated myself and started walking faster.  

For the first time, I wondered if turning down the offer for a drive was the right choice.  I pulled the can of pepper spray I always carry with me out of my pocket and held it tightly in my hand.

As I was nearing the shortcut through the woods that I normally took, I considered staying on the road instead.  The dark path would get me home faster, but the road offered better light.

Then I heard the footsteps again.  

Louder.

Faster.  

Closer.  

And a deep, guttural voice yelling something I couldn’t make out.  

The source of the shouting emerged as a shadowy outline of a man about twenty feet ahead of me.  His pace increased as he crossed the road and walked purposely towards me with an uneven gait.

I held back a scream as I ran onto the wooded path.  

A few moments later, I risked a glance behind me to see if the man had followed me onto the path, and instantly tripped over a tree root, landing face first in the dirt.  Dazed and terrified, but otherwise unhurt, I picked myself up and started running again.

With the sound of my racing heart pounding in my ears, I sensed rather than heard him getting closer.

It seemed like hours before the bright lights framing the entryway to my apartment building came into view.  Leaning forward to help relieve the sharp pain in my sides, I sprinted towards the front door.

As I fumbled with my keys, a lumbering shadow appeared in my peripheral vision.  Before I could react, a firm hand clutched my shoulder, and I could hear uneven breathing directly behind me.  

Nearly jumping out of my skin, I spun around, wide-eyed, gripping my pepper spray tightly in one hand, my keys in the other.

A middle-aged man stood there with my scarf in his hands and a nervous look in his eyes as he stared at the can I had aimed directly at his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he gasped, struggling to catch his breath, “You dropped this on the road near the path back there.  I tried calling out to you, but I guess you didn’t hear me.”

I nearly collapsed with relief.  “Thank you very much,” I said, reaching for my scarf.  I opened the front door, told the man to have a great night, and went inside.  As I waited for the elevator, I glanced outside and watched the Good Samaritan amble away.

After setting the deadbolt and securing all the windows, I changed into pajamas and crawled into bed.  Beside me on the nightstand was my missing phone.  

As I drifted off to sleep, I chided myself for how paranoid and frightened I had felt on my way home.  I also realized that the haunting feeling that something bad was going to happen was finally gone.

The alarm clock startled me awake at 7 am.  After finding my robe and slippers, I turned on the TV to catch the weather report and brewed a pot of coffee.  After a quick shower, I poured myself a cup and sat down on the couch just in time to catch a late-breaking news story.

At approximately 5 o’clock this morning, the bound, partially nude body of a young woman was discovered by joggers in a ditch alongside Dobson Road.  A jacket found at the scene indicates that she may have been a student at the nearby university, though no purse or other identifying evidence has been located.  According to witness accounts, a woman fitting the victim’s description was seen getting into a black pickup truck with flame designs shortly after 2 am…

Overcome with dread, I dialed Laurel’s number.  

My call went directly to voicemail.

Comments

    • Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it! I have other 3 other stories in the works, including a follow up to this one. I’ll be sure to let you know once it’s available for your reading pleasure!

      – Jen

      Reply

  3. Hi Jen,
    I liked your story the first time I read it and it was a pleasure to read it again in its clean-ready-for-publication form. I wish you the best in the contest.
    Judy

    Reply

    • Thanks Judy! I have been reading and commenting like mad! Will be getting to yours before too long. Best of luck to you too!

      -Jen 🙂

      Reply

    • Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words :). There will definitely be more in the near future.

      -Jen

      Reply

    • Thank you so much! I am working on some other stories. I’m so glad you enjoyed this one!

      – Jen

      Reply

    • Thanks Melanie! There will definitely be more stories! I’m currently working on expanding this one (we had a 1500 word limit), a longer, rather creepy short story and a novel.

      – Jen

      Reply

        • Yes! The contest has been a blast! I will be commenting on yours before too long. It’s taking quite a (fun) while to get through them all! Good luck Kimberly!! I hope we meet up again at the next one in June.

          Reply

  9. I enjoyed this short story very much. I would like to read more stories written by this author. It is not easy to write such interesting happenings with such brevity. So often short stories are too wordy–this one was not and kept the interest of this reader at a high level throughout. Well done!

    Reply

    • Hi, C.N.,

      Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! I am so glad you enjoyed my story! I am working on several others, each of which I hope you will enjoy as much as this one!

      – Jen 🙂

      Reply

  12. Hi, J.H.O’Rourke.

    Your story is fantastic. I see myself inside of a suspense thriller where everything can happen at anytime. You know how to hold the mystery and your reader hooked until the very end. This is one of the best stories I’ve read so far.
    Thank you so much for sharing your piece and for being so kind to me. You’re the best.
    God bless you,

    Claude Bornel

    Reply

    • Thanks so much Claude! I’m so glad you enjoyed my story and appreciate your kind words. I hope to meet up with you again during the next contest. Best of luck to you with your wonderful story!

      -Jen

      Reply

      • Hi Jen!

        You’ve got a new fan. I’m so glad we share the same interests in terms of genre and suspense. Have you published anything yet?

        Your story should fare well in the contest. Good luck!

        Joslyn

        Reply

        • Hi, Joslyn! Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I have not published my own work yet, but have been a ghostwriter and freelancer for years. Publishing my own stories is definitely something I’m now pursuing.

          Best of luck in the contest and I’ll (virtually) see you in the writer’s workshop!

          -Jen 🙂

          Reply

  13. This is a really good story! Good pacing. Nice details and it flowed quite well. The last part brought the whole together nicely. Nice touch! Suspenseful! Good Luck in the contest!

    Reply

  14. Hi Jen,

    Awesome story! I was on the edge of my seat during her walk/run home. This would make an amazing novel.
    Great work. You have me wanting more! I’m always up for a good thriller.
    Good luck in the contest.

    Nicole:)

    Reply

  17. Whew! Great job building tension and suspense. I realized at the end that I’d been holding my breath! Well done and thank you for a page-turning thrill read 🙂

    Reply

  18. I loved this story! I was gripped till the end trying to figure out if she really was being followed by the killer. So good!

    Reply

  19. Jen, I almost immediately felt a pit in my stomach and my anxiety level increased steadily until Sami’s alarm clock woke her up the next morning. Of course your title set the scene to be on alert from the start. Excellent job being able to keep me on edge waiting for a bad outcome. Fortunately that didn’t happen to her.

    I was confused by a detail or two you outlined when Sami was walking home, noticing them only after getting further into the story. I went back and re-read from there to try to figure out what was throwing me off. I’ll do my best to explain and if I’m completely off base please set me straight.

    After Sami turned right onto Vine she thought she heard a backfire behind her as well as a noise a few minutes later. Then footsteps, again behind her. Certainly could have been her anxiety making her think she heard those things, always turning around to check. Then the footsteps became louder, faster and closer and then included a voice yelling something (making me think they were again coming from behind her). But the sounds came from 20 feet ahead.

    In the line “Then I heard the footsteps again.” If ‘the’ was removed from the sentence, I would continue to feel increasingly anxious learning the sounds were coming from ahead and a man approaching “with an uneven gait.”

    Your description of the wooded path told me it was an uneven and would have taken a while to cross even when running. We learn the middle-aged man, with an uneven gait, caught up with her very quickly. I love that he was a Good Samaritan, but questioned if he would have/could have tried to follow her for the sake of a scarf. I would still have been petrified if Sami turned down a short, paved path knowing that someone was close behind.

    As I already said Jen, this is a fabulous story and I’m still on edge even after writing my observations in this long comment.

    Sue

    Reply

    • Hi Sue! Thank you for your detailed review of my story. I really appreciate your observations and am confident that they will help me to improve as a writer. I’m so glad you enjoyed my story.

      – Jen

      Reply

  20. Hello there, Jen :). Praise to you for being such and incredible writer and reader and for supporting me throughout the whole process! I was amazed by your story and your style! I just discovered your website and I’m going to check out your other stories. I hope we meet again too! Best of luck to you! Hugs!

    Reply

    • Hi Ioana!! Thank you for your kind words! It was fun being in the same group with you during the contest. Hope you enjoy my website and that we meet up again during the next contest! Best of luck to you in this one. 🙂

      – Jen

      Reply

  21. Jen,

    This is a great story! I loved it the first time I read it, and I still think even re-reading it and knowing how it all ends that your story still has a lot of power and tension. And your ending, especially your last line, is perfect – very resonant. I often struggle with exactly how to leave a story with a “haunting” ending and you pull it off beautifully. Best of luck in the contest!

    Sarah Graves

    Reply

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, Sarah! I’m so glad you enjoýed my story and I hope we meet up during the next contest this summer! Good luck in the contest, you wrote an amazing story!

      -Jen 🙂

      Reply

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