Can I Email You?

This story is by Andy Smith and won an honorable mention in our 2024 Spring Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.

Andy Smith is a therapist and a writer from Nashville, TN. When he is not writing he is usually spending time with his family, reading a good book or watching a good movie.

It was five minutes to the hour and the couple sitting in Alan’s therapy office were in a tail spin. To stay grounded, Alan gripped a small, smooth piece of granite, with colors evenly split between speckled white and creamy black. He found the stone on a trip to the Oregon coast with his wife and daughter during happier times. When he picked it up, his wife said it looked like a yin and yang symbol. Alan sometimes used it as a tool to keep him centered during tense sessions, but today it wasn’t working. He had been reaching for it a lot lately. He loosened his grip on the stone along with the thoughts of his own marriage and refocused his attention to the couple on the couch in front of him.

“I can’t do this anymore” Carol sobbed into her hands.

”Carol, I love you. We can figure this out.” Ted reached his hand to Carol but his voice was flat, void of emotion.

Carol’s head popped out of her hands, “Don’t patronize me!” She snapped back, knocking Ted’s hand away.

Carol’s anger hit Alan like a slap in the face. He put his hands up in defense and slowly rolled his chair towards them trying to slow them down, “Wait. This is what happens, right? We get stuck here. Heather, you…”

“Heather? Who’s Heather?” Carol asked annoyed.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Alan replied, flushed. “That’s my wife.”

Ted chuckled awkwardly while Carol glared at Alan. 

Alan tried to redirect and recover, “Ted, what happens inside for you when you are telling Carol you love her? I think it’s true, but I wonder if you are holding back, maybe trying to protect yourself?”

Ted took the redirection, “I don’t know why she’s so mad at me. I love her and the kids so much. I couldn’t bare to lose them. I guess I’m still scared she’s going to leave.” Ted’s eyes welled with tears.

An image of Alan’s daughter wrapping her arms around Alan’s neck appeared in his mind. He pushed the thought away and refocused, “Can you hear that Carol? He couldn’t bare to lose you.” Alan tried.

Carol’s eyelids narrowed and held back tears. She tensed and took a breath in preparation to retaliate. “Then why doesn’t he do something about it?!” She turned to look directly at Ted. “You tell me how much you mean to me in here, but at home it’s like you couldn’t be bothered with my existence at all!” Her voice was desperate, eyes pleading, trying to get through to him, “I can’t remember the last time I felt precious to you. I’m a moon in your orbit. I just drift around you never making contact and I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been trying every day for years. You come in here and try for an hour once a week. I’m losing the fight, Ted. I think we should get a divorce.”

Ted gave Alan a panicked look, “See? This is what I’m afraid of. Any time I try to open up she tells me she wants a divorce!” 

Alan glanced at the clock. He was already five minutes past the hour. He felt the panic rising in his throat, and the far-away feeling of tunnel vision closed in around his eyes. This argument was too familiar. 

“I don’t know if you can help us.” Carol confessed.

“I don’t know if I can either,” Alan admitted, “but I know that as long as two people want to try, there is hope. Conflict is inevitable in every relationship, but if we can’t see through the conflict and focus on the heart of the matter, the conflict will win. It always does. But if there is commitment to the relationship on both sides, love finds a way.”

Carol insisted, softer, almost under her breath, “I don’t think anyone can help us.”

Alan continued pressing, ignoring Carol’s statement, “I always believe that two people can find a way to reconnect even in the darkest of circumstances.” Another image of his wife flashed in Alan’s mind. This one of her pulling out of the driveway in their Volvo. Again, he forced the image away.

Below the fourth story window of Alan’s office, a car pulled into the parking lot. Earlier this morning, Alan had opened a window to alleviate feeling trapped in an office with furious couples all day. The car stereo was blaring ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’ by The Clash, and it echoed in the room until the driver shut off the vehicle.

“That’s the big question, isn’t it?” Carol said pointing to the window.

“What?” Ted asked, confused.

Carol rolled her eyes.

“Which one is it?” Alan asked gently, “Should you stay or should you go?”

“I don’t know.” Carol replied.

“Sometimes the truth is hard to say out loud.” Alan felt tears in his eyes start to form. He glanced at the clock again. 10 minutes past the hour. He paused for a moment, gathered himself and said, “Unfortunately, we’re out of time. Some sessions end like this. In the middle of it…”

 “A lot of our sessions end like this.” Carol interjected.

Alan tried to ignore her interruption. “I know it’s not ideal but we can pick up here next week.”

Ted made eye contact with Carol and she quickly looked away.

“You know, we have a lot of stuff coming up with the holidays and all. I’m not sure what the next few weeks are going to look like. Can I email you?”

“Sure, of course. The holidays are crazy for everybody.” Alan broke eye contact with Ted and looked out the window. He knew what ‘Can I email you?’ usually meant. Ted and Carol were either done with each other or done with therapy. Alan braced himself for the usual feelings of shame that followed with questions of his value as a therapist. As a person. The questions of why he couldn’t get through to them. Why he couldn’t help them. The sick nausea of failure was creeping up. He pushed it back down as he stood up to walk them to the door. He did his best to look sincere and compassionate.

“Let me know when the dust settles, and I can get you back on the books.”

Carol avoided eye contact with Alan. Ted feigned politeness.

“You bet, Alan. Happy holidays.” He said, forcing a smile. 

Alan’s shoulders slumped and he released a deep sigh. He slowly closed the door and listened to them walk down the hall. He sat back down in his brown leather office chair and glanced at the clock. He was already 15 minutes late. He skipped a restroom break, opened his laptop and logged into the Telehealth app where he met with his own therapist. Clacking at the keys he signed in. The Telehealth window popped open and his therapist’s face greeted him.

“Hello Alan.” His therapist greeted him softly.

“Hey Charlie. Sorry I’m late. Is Heather here yet?”

“Not yet. Is she on her way? Maybe we could give her another minute or so and see if she shows up?”

“Sure. Sure.” Alan nodded and looked away from the screen. He felt exposed. A therapist sitting with a therapist is like a mirror facing a mirror. Infinite view in endless reflection. At least that’s what it felt like for Alan. It made him want to hide. He squeezed the smooth piece of marbled granite he still held in his hand.

“How are you today?” Charlie asked. 

“Fine. I’m fine. Really. Good, actually.” 

“That’s good.” Sensing Alan’s deflection, Charlie dug further. “How are things at home with Heather?”

“Fine. Normal. Same old, I guess.” Alan was pre-occupied with the floor in his office.

“I see.” Charlie pressed on, “She hasn’t shown up the last several sessions and I’m a little worried about her. About both of you.”

“I guess we’ve been drifting a little bit lately.” Alan offered back.

“Alan, I know how hard it can be on a couple to lose a child.” Alan winced at the mention of his daughter as Charlie continued, “I can’t imagine what you two are going through but you know my policy. I can’t hold couples therapy when only one of you is here.” Charlie was trying to get through the wall that Alan was putting up. “Is she ok?”

“Yeah. Yeah. She’s fine. I think she just forgot. I told her but I think she just forgot.” Alan was nervous and repeating himself. His wall was crumbling along with his failing marriage.  Should he stay or should he go? Heather had already answered that question. 

“Ok.” Charlie responded softly letting the silence linger. He checked his watch “Well, it doesn’t look like she’s going to make it today. Would you like to go ahead and reschedule?”

Alan paused for a moment. He placed the grounding stone on his desk, looked at the screen and asked, “Can I email you?”