Catfurnado: Oh Meow No! Part 2 by Derek Ailes
Steve and Coralee sat at a table in the bar inside their hotel. Steve nervously sipped on his beer as he watched Tom Skilling talk about the severe thunderstorm heading for Valparaiso. A tornado had destroyed all the restaurants in the Southlake Mall parking lot and was heading in their direction. There were no storm shelters in Valparaiso since tornadoes weren’t as much of a threat as they were in Texas. The bar was filled with all the guests of the hotel.
Steve turned his attention away from the television as he heard Danny Crump calling out his name.
“Steve Tomalin, I thought I recognized you.” Danny Crump walked over to him and shook his hand. “I haven’t seen you since the incident.”
“I appreciate all your financial support with rebuilding Jolene,” Steve said.
“I lost a couple of factories during that storm. This is my campaign manager slash driver, Anthony Smith.” he said and sat down next to them and glanced up at the television. “I get nervous every time there is a severe storm.”
“Me too. How’s the campaign?” Steve asked, trying to change the subject.
“Going great. I am getting tired of having to defend myself, though. So I don’t have a concrete plan on some of the key issues yet. I’m a businessman. Making things up as I go is part of the territory. When I get in office, I will have the brightest minds to help me. I will treat it like a business. Rich people be warned. I said it before and I will say it again, I will raise the taxes on the rich. This trickle down economics from the Reagan era doesn’t work and never will work.” He looked around making sure no one was listening to him. “I just said something anti-Reagan. That’s a no-no to say something bad about the Republican’s almighty god.”
“Aren’t you a Republican?”
“Yes, but I am smart enough to know Reagan was an idiot. A great actor, but an idiot.”
Their conversation was interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System announcing a tornado had been spotted in their area.
“A little late on that announcement,” the bartender said angrily.
“That’s why we’re hanging out in here,” Coralee said.
The station returned to Tom Skilling’s weather report. “For those of you in the Valparaiso area, I can’t believe I’m about to report this; the tornado seems to be consisting of thousands of cats. There has been reports of multiple cat related fatalities. This catfurnado should reach Valparaiso in the next couple of minutes.”
“Please tell me there are weapons here,” Steve said, looking at the bartender.
“Do I look like Ted Nugent?”
“I have a full arsenal in the trunk of my limo,” Danny said with a smile. “Second amendment.”
“We better get to them and fast.”
“This way, Sheriff.”
The sky was pitch black as Danny and Steve nearly avoided being struck by lightning. With Anthony leading them to the limo, they quickly ran toward it. Anthony opened the truck unveiling the vast array of shotguns and semi-automatic weapons. Steve gave Danny a dirty look.
“Just in case Obama comes knocking on my door to take my guns away, I keep them hidden in my vehicles.” Danny had a serious look on his face for a few seconds and then laughed. “Just kidding. Obama never has stated he was after our guns. The Republicans say that to put fear in the voters. I went hunting with Obama the other day. I stopped going with Cheney for obvious reasons.”
Danny handed Steve and Anthony each a rifle and grabbed the two duffel bags filled with guns and ammunition. “Does your wife know how to shoot? We’ll need all the help we can get.”
“I’ve taken her to the range a couple of times,” Steve answered.
A large bolt of lightning hit one of the street lights across U.S. 30, causing it to explode. All the power went out nearby. They could see a couple of cars colliding into each other causing several cars to swerve to miss causing a pileup. Down the highway they could see the tornado heading straight for them. It passed by the armory. They could see cats falling from the sky and hundreds of them running toward the armory to attack everybody shopping at the ICS book sale.
Thousands of cats ran ahead of the tornado. The tornadic winds had no effect on them, as if the tornado and they were working in unison with one goal; total destruction.
“I would suggest seeking shelter,” Anthony advised.
“We’ll probably stand a better chance of defending ourselves indoors,” Danny said as he ran back toward the hotel’s entrance.
Steve watched mesmerized with fear as the cats continued their approach. As they got closer, he relived the night Jolene had viciously been attacked by the catfurnado and all of its angry cats.
“Oh, meow no!” he screamed as he fired a couple of warning shots before running for the safety of the hotel. As he rushed through the entrance, Danny and Anthony pushed a couple of couches in front of the doorway.
“That should slow them down,” Anthony said.
They watched as thousands of cats rained down as the tornado continued its path down U.S. 30. It shifted to the left demolishing Staples, Taco Bell, and the Dollar Tree as it headed straight for the Wal-Mart.
The hotel windows burst inward and the power went out leaving them in complete darkness. The lights came back on as the emergency generator kicked on. One after another, the cats climbed though the broken windows. Steve, Danny, Anthony, Coralee and the bartender opened fire killing as many of the cats as they could. The couches slid forward as hundreds of cats pushed against them trying to gain entrance through the doorway.
A black cat jumped off the couch and landed on top of Danny’s head. He grabbed ahold of it and forced it away from his head, ripping off the top of his reddish-blonde hair. He threw the cat forward and Steve shot it in the chest sending cat meat in every direction. Steve looked at Danny’s head in shock.
“So it’s a toupee. Made from the finest orangutan hair,” Danny said proudly.
“I knew it,” Coralee said, trying not to laugh.
As a cat jumped at her, Steve shot it in the head.
“There’s too many of them!” Steve shouted.
“We need to get off the ground floor,” Danny suggested.
“The stairs past the bar lead to the roof,” the bartender informed them.
They ran toward the bar kicking away many cats that were in their way. In the bar, several people were firing at the cats with the weapons Danny had provided them.
“To the roof!” Steve ordered as they rushed through the bar.
Everybody followed behind them. As the bartender pushed open the door leading to the roof, he was instantly engulfed in cats that were waiting on the other side. On the bottom of the stairs, hundreds of cats stood staring at them waiting for them to come back down.
“We have no choice,” Steve said and rushed through the door onto the roof were tons of cats were waiting for them. A large tabby jumped at him, and he punched it in midair sending it backward over the side of the roof.
“I think we can handle this,” Danny said.
Danny, Steve and Anthony fired at them killing every one of them. As the last person ran onto the roof, Coralee closed the door and Anthony pushed a large brick in front of it.
“I think we’re safe for now,” Steve said as he stared at the carnage across the street.
Wal-Mart lay in rubble. They could hear machine gun fire from several soldiers from the armory battling the cats. Down U.S. 30 they could see several tanks and military helicopters heading their way to engage the feline threat.
“We’re saved!” Coralee shouted.
“I wouldn’t celebrate yet,” Anthony advised as he watched the door begin to budge.
“Ready. On my mark. Fire!” Steve ordered.
As the cats emerged from the doorway, they were met with heavy fire. As they ran out of ammunition, they swung at the cats like they were playing a round of golf sending them flying off of the roof.
One single cat walked through the doorway and looked at them with innocent eyes begging to be spared.
“Not falling for it,” Steve said and grabbed it and threw it off of the roof.
As the sky was lightening up signifying the worst of the storm had passed, they watched as the military quickly defeated the remaining cats.
“I hope this is the last time I have to deal with a catfurnado,” Steve said with a smile.
“Agreed.” Coralee kissed him.
Danny stood at the edge of the roof and stared at all the cat carcasses below. “I guess they don’t always land on their feet.”
“Danny, this could be a PR opportunity. Imagine the headline: Presidential candidate, Danny Crump, saves Valparaiso, Indiana. This could be what we need to win the Republican nomination,” Anthony explained.
“Get to work on the speech right away. We need to set up a press conference immediately,” Danny instructed.
“Always a politician,” Steve joked.
Danny stood proudly as he imagined people’s reaction to his press conference and to him becoming the next President of The United States. As he was about to speak, a shark flew by him ripping his head off. Blood shot out of his neck like a fountain and then his carcass fell off the roof splattering on the ground below.