This story is by Chandan kumar and was part of our 2018 Summer Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.
I stopped my car at her house and looked at her. It is probably the first time that I wasn’t able to decipher the look on her face. She looked at me and said “Rohan, what is going on in your mind? I am not able to get your expression”. Then I realised that neither she nor I encountered that situation before. We both felt the same. That is, not knowing what feeling we are going through. I replied “Nothing, I am fine. What happened has happened. Go and sleep, we will talk about it tomorrow”. She got down the car and walked away and yes, probably the first time without a “goodbye” or “takecare”.
I can never forget her face while she walked away. A little worried, little afraid and yes, those moist eyes.
I came back to my room and suddenly my heart started racing. There was an unknown sense of panic in my mind. Before I think of the reasons for that, my phone started ringing. It was my “baby”. And yes, probably for the first time, I was hesitant to pick up the call. With sweaty hands and a heavy breath, I picked up the call.
“baby, I love you, I love you so much baby. Where have you been all this time dear? I am very angry on you. You prioritise your friend over me”. These are the only lines I remember Nikkie speaking in her usual elated way. She continued to shower kisses over me along with some eccentric romantic phrases. But when I failed to respond in my usual way to her usual words in these usual talks, I realised that it would end in an unusual way. But then, I pulled myself together and decided to put on a bold face at least for the time being.
I said “baby calm down baby, just relax. I just dropped Meghna at her house and came. I was about to call you.” The words I spoke, they are the usual ones, but the stutter with which they came, that’s probably a first. She asked me if everything was fine and yes, I lied. She continued with her sweet and loving talks, trying to cheer me up irrespective of what the problem is. I was listening to her mechanically as she spoke about our third anniversary, her plans for that, the romantic things we did for each other. But out of nowhere she said “I am sorry baby, I know you both are just friends. But as you know, we are in a long distance relationship and the fact that she gets to hang out with you more than I get to, makes me feel jealous. I know you are good friends but I don’t know, Maybe I am a little insecure sometimes”. As she spoke these words, she giggled in the most beautiful way possible. And as she giggled, probably for the first time, I experienced an unusual dyspnoea.
I was extremely cautious about my behaviour. I didn’t want her to ask me another time about what is wrong. With a heavy heart I replied “you don’t need to be worried baby, we have complete clarity over the bond we share.” She was very quick to jump in and defend me. She said “ofcourse rohan, I know that. I know that you can’t cheat on me. I always tell you this, don’t forget, I love you as much as I love my dad. But when it comes to trust, I trust u more than I trust him.”
Fake laugh is all that I was able to produce then. Not a single word. Just the sound of an obvious fake laugh.
“I forgot to tell you something baby. Please don’t get angry. I got a dream recently about you and meghna. I will tell you if you promise that you won’t be angry.”
I really did not want to hear that.
No, I was actually afraid to hear that. I wanted to ask her not to but as I was trying to act normal, I did what I do normally. I asked her to go on and tell me about her dream.
As she started speaking, my heart cried. Before she finished, I asked her to stop as I was unable to control my tears. In a hurry, I told her that I have a small problem with one of my college friends and I that I need to sort that out first. She knew something was wrong, but she was sure that I will tell her the truth later.
Yes, she was sure that I will tell her the truth later.
I hung up the phone and immediately called Meghna. Even before she lifted, tears started rolling down my eyes. By the time she lifted the phone, I was crying out aloud without any signs of stopping it anytime soon. I was very worried about myself at that point. I didn’t even pay attention to the sobbing voice of meghna trying to calm me down.
I asked her to not intervene while I tell her about what happened.
“Meghna, as soon as I dropped you, I went back to my room. Nikkie called me. She said that she had a dream about you and me.”
While I was completing the sentence, meghna kept on stressing me to stop crying .
As soon as I finished it, she became silent and asked me if I told nikkie about what happened.
I said “no Meghna, I did not. Please let me finish. She had a dream in which you and I were kissing. While we were kissing, it seems that we saw her and laughed at her”
There was more to say, but I wasn’t able to. I was crying my heart out.
By then, Meghna was already in tears. She was worried, but not about her or about what happened. she was worried about me.
Then I continued “what should I do Meghna? How should I tell her that her dream was true? How should I tell her that we kissed each other today? Should I say that we shared a moment?.”
After a long pause, probably for the first time, Meghna said sorry. She said “I am sorry Rohan, let us not be in contact anymore.”
I wanted to stop her from hanging up the phone, but somewhere deep down ,maybe I felt that it is the best thing to do. I did not say anything . I continued to cry, I continued listening to meghna crying. She hung up the phone after asking me stop crying . I hung up the phone without even trying to stop crying.
I started thinking about what I did.
I had a person who loves me more than anyone in my life. I had a friend that anyone can only dream of. In the heat of the moment without any consciousness, I kissed my friend and cheated my love. I broke the trust of probably the person who trust me the most. I was thinking same thing again and again, “I cheated my girl, I don’t deserve to be forgiven”.
I cried for hours and hours. Ignored the dozens of calls by Nikkie.
After I was finished with losing all my tears, I started to think about the reason for the intimate moment I shared with meghna.
“do I love Meghna and not Nikkie?”
“can I be without Nikkie?”
“can I be without Meghna?”
“was I physically attracted to Meghna and was so lost that I did not even think about Nikkie?”
“maybe it is the effect of long distance relationship?”
“if I love Meghna then what is it that I have for Nikkie?”
“If I am not in a relationship, would kissing Meghna be fine for me?”
I asked myself many such questions. I tried to get the answers. But later I realised that I wasn’t sure about why I kissed meghna. That leaves a possibility of me not loving Nikkie or loving Meghna and not nikkie or not loving anyone or loving nikkie but not being able to handle the longdistance relationship.
Those doubts showed me that I wasn’t ready.
I might be wrong but that is me and I have taken my decision.
So, whatever the reason is, I’ve decided that until I get to know the answers, I shouldn’t be with Nikkie. living with her with a doubt that whether I love her or not is a more sinful act. Especially when she believes that I love her so much. I didn’t have the answers.
Being in love with a doubt on love is unforgivable.
I knew that it will leave us in tears for now, but that’s what is best for us. I called her up, told everything, my interpretations, my decision. She reacted just like any girl would in that situation.
And now, I am happily living with the love of my life……