Like never before

This story is by Anna Gur and was part of our 2017 Spring Writing Contest. You can find all the Spring Writing Contest stories here.

And one day he broke her. So slightly, that she did not resist. She just found herself on the floor, scattered in the form of an ideal composition of pieces for some modern art work.

She wondered if the falling started in that silent Saturday morning, when she suddenly noticed little birds, flying purposeless in the sky.

Or may be, when she noticed that his attention switched to something inside him, that she was never introduced to.

She knew for sure, that the falling started with her strange ability to notice the immense silence. It surrounded everything and everywhere, like she was falling through a deep endless soundproofed tunnel. She was inevitably going down and detaching herself from something very precious and real. Minute by minute, meter by meter. If she cried, her voice would be surely isolated by the insensitive walls surrounding her.

The feeling of endlessness falling changed suddenly today by inability to get up.

There was a moment, when she realized that she lost her form forever. She was scattered across the vast cold indifference of the mirroring floor. She could not recognize herself in the reflection of the surface. May be, because she already did not have a clue for whom she had to be looking.

The eternal silence came to take the innermost part of her. And she could not find any reason to refuse.

Even the understanding of this fact itself started dissolving in the Universe void. Tremendous nothingness without any dimensions like time or identity expanded. It filled in every part of her existence.

Unbearable twinge in a piece of her damaged entity prevented her consciousness from fading away. This piece was thrown off to the left corner of the room. She usually had a lunch in this corner after a wearying workday. She sat in silence, while he was visiting his friends.

The pain entered her consciousness. It disturbed the calmness of the dumb obedience. The almost physical sensation reminded her that she still existed.

Instinctively gasping for air, she directed her consciousness to the painful part. She realized, that it was the largest piece of herself, which remained after the breakdown. Other parts were small, numb and lifeless. The painful part was certainly alive. She could feel it, it still existed.

She moved her consciousness inside the biggest piece. The ruthless pain was waiting her there. It challenged her decision for self identification with it. Being alive, she avoided the part by all means. She tried her best focusing on her perceptions in a desperate attempt to find another place and escape from the pain. But there was nothing more left – it was the only self identification, that she could accept in order to stay alive. She started breathing insatiably, trying to keep her consciousness awake. Sharp borders of her shattered self sent panic signals about her missing parts. Every second of that experience was a sheer suggestion to give up.

The constant breathing was her only weapon – if she stopped, her consciousness would switch off and she would never return. It hurt, but it meant that she was alive.

She watched flashbacks, passing through her mind, like it was something outside her.

“Where are you? I don’t see. My silly eyes, my useless feet. They should not be bleeding now, when I have to find him. I have to, I cannot return alone.”

“Mommy, sorry. I lost him.”

“My dear, he is gone.”

“Where do people go, when they are gone? I want to be gone too…”

The pain attacked, fall downs of thoughts grabbed her by the throat.

“I should be gone forever. I am not supposed to take place on the planet. There are a lot of much more useful creatures live here.”

“Do you really know, how to love? You are an impostor, you don’t have a real heart.”

She looked at the pieces, where her arms should be and discovered puddles of blue liquid instead of them.

“You see, you are an alien, stop fooling yourself. Go away from these creatures and stop pretending. Whom are you fooling? People see through you, that’s why you are so doomed. You cannot love correctly, that’s why they always go away from you. You don’t know how to love correctly. You’d better give up.”

The breathing became unbearable. Her thoughts pushed her to die. She saw herself drowning and disappearing forever.

Her consciousness caught a physical sensation of something warm and pleasant in a piece in the other side of the room. It was enough for switching her attention to this part. She relaxed without losing her consciousness. She knew that this unexpected sensation was her shelter. Every second here was full of gratefulness and delight for being able to have a break from fighting. She wondered, what was the source of this soft touching. Being able to relax, she thanked the universe for her existence.

And here was a switch. The warm pleasant sensation was gone suddenly as it came, but something changed in herself. The void was filled up with something worth keeping inside her innermost part. It was time to continue the fight, though she knew that her enemy was not there. The pain stopped being ruthless. It surrounded her with a bitter embrace, like a tired mother that did not prevent her child from falling and watching her learning the lesson by herself.

“They will always be gone, my dear. People you love, people you hate. People you see and people you don’t see. All your dearest friends and random strangers. They are always be gone sooner or later. Anything which is eternal cannot exist in the life. Your unique perception is the only border, which separate you from the infinite silent void. You cannot be late stepping inside the void. But you can be late to experience this moment. You can be late breathing inside the next chance of feeling. You can be late collecting your precious life experiences, that are short like a falling of a shooting star. Please, feel. Feel you pain, feel like you never felt before. Don’t hide from this experience. Feel your pain, live with it and thank it for all its learning care. Feel the pain like only you can feel it. And laugh about it with all your soul, like you never laughed before. All your past feelings don’t matter at all. Feel this moment like it is the last in your life, because it can be the last. ”

The memories of safety and happiness filled her up. She grieved about cozy evenings with him, full of love and care. She cried and saw inside her mind that her tears were turning green. And in every place, where she left her tear, the plant of forgiveness started to grow.

She felt the warm sensation again and opened her eyes. Her favorite little kitty was purring and licking her ear. She felt this saving sensation and laughed. Like never before.