Finitude or Infinity

This story is by La Gniziuh and was part of our 2024 Fall Writing Contest. You can find all the writing contest stories here.

Finitude or Infinity

I’m on my knees on the carpet, one hand clutching my chest the other sunken into the red fibres of the shagpile, reality had hit me. Mortality gripped its fist tighter around me constricting my breathing. I’ve never understood life better than in that moment.  Images flashing through my mind, my sweet girl,  a family holiday in France, the dog with a Christmas hat, the easy bake oven I had as a child, my first love, my second love, the third, the amazon rainforest, a murmur or birds expanding and contracting.

Life as we know it will come to an end.
That sentence kept shooting through my skull like a ball bouncing from wall to wall.

A large object destined to hit Earth tomorrow, the chances of survival 0 to nil.

And I’ am abroad, miles away from my everything and all I hold dear, no friends, no family, destined to meet my end alone. I need to talk to someone, someone to soothe me, distract me, I need human contact, I need another human.  I tried to crawl towards my phone but dizziness pushed me towards the ground, my body’s a boat dragged through sand,  all forces agreed to work against me in my time of despair.

“Barmi”

Through the zooming in my ears I thought I heard my name.

“Barmi”

Was this how my descension into madness would begin?

“Barmi”

Like a cat in a dead-end alley I looked around. I saw nothing but the bright screen of the television. From it a young woman dressed in white stared at me, her eyes piercing through the screen.

“Barmi, go sit on the couch and look at me.” She smiled gently, my head toiling,  “my name is Michael and I am here to guide you“

I hardly managed to pull myself on the couch.

“You’ve been selected for a very special project.”

Project? I pressed the nail of my thumb into my palm, surely I was losing my mind.

“Listen carefully, and do as I tell you. Now, close your eyes and focus all your attention on the spot between your eyebrows, can you do that for me?”

I  fought the urge but could not do anything else but close my eyes. As soon as I did, they rolled towards the middle of my forehead, directing all of my attention to that specific point.

“Extend your attention to your breathing, three times fast, three times slow, in through your nose,out through your nose.”

My body obeyed Michael’s orders and it felt as if I was melting into the environment.

“Very well. Now step into the world whose portal lies between your eyes.”

“Your survival is not dependent on matter, your body is a boat on which you travel through the dream of life.”

“Focus on the point between your eyes”

I focused on my forehead, until I couldn’t distinguish the wrinkle from the cranium.
My whole being started to burn as the nails that attached me to my body popped off one by one.

“Look at the point between your eyes Barmi, do you see the door? Step through it, leave your body behind.”

A huge hand reached towards me, and pulled me through a tight passageway. There was all I lived and all I could have lived, all the opportunities I did not take, the things I could’ve finished but never started, the people I could’ve helped, but passed by. There were flowers and colours and geometrical shapes flashing all around me.  A bright light, and suddenly all was darkness, but I, I reached as far as darkness spread, like a cloth pulled tightly over every corner of the matrass.

Michael?

Nothing.

An eerie feeling crept over me, I’m alone. I am all and all was me, but all I am is alone.

Michael! I could not move I could just be, but where I was I did not want to be.

Michael! I shouted again.

Help! Where am I, where am I, please! Michael.

“Barmi” Michael’s voice sailed through the dark like a seagull over the sea surface.

“Welcome to Infinity”

“We have beautiful plans for you in Infinity. You are one of the lucky ones, one of the few that can serve a purpose here.”

Infinity? Of course I’d heard of the concept through stories, religion, films, but my existence had always been determined by time, so I never managed the vastness nor the weight of it.

Michael? Who are you? What is the meaning of this? Are you…..God?

“No, I’m not God,” Michael said in a gentle voice.

Than who are you? I started to grow impatient.

“Allow me to explain, I’m a scientist and part of a group of researchers who’ve been working on a project called Earth. For the last five years we’ve been coding and observing day and night to provide the optimum environment for our research. You are my ascribed subject Barmi.”

“Unfortunately, project Earth, has been discontinued. The system will close down tomorrow. We’ve observed that the specimens have grown more sophisticated than expected, and display a strong thirst for knowledge and an urge to create . So much so that you’ve reached a point where you’ve developed a technique-although rudimentary-  similar to ours. One which allows you to create a sovereign layer within the realm of project Earth, a layer in which a consciousness independent of yours can exist, an artificial yet sincere consciousness. However, we observed that you don’t have the ethical standards to make this a success, and we fear that allowing this to continue will open a portal to suffering beyond our control, something that we must prevent, at all costs.”

I heard what Michael said, but I did not really grasp what he meant. Project Earth? Desperation set in and I longed back to my body, it always offered a good distraction in moments of discomfort, a quick scratch,  biting my nails or lips, wiggling my leg, shifting from one foot to the other, any form of movement for a bit of solace.

“We would like to offer you a second chance and upgrade you to Infinity.”

A second chance as what? As the bodiless blob that I am now? This brain without ability to move?  A second chance as your specimen? Am I even a human? What am I?

Michael laughed. “Materially, you are human, at least partially, yet that of you which is physically human, well, that part resides in our laboratory, in a petri dish.”

I felt like I was stuck in a box without any escape, I could not distinguish if I was dead or alive or if there even was such a thing like that. All that I held dear was taken from me, all that I had known as reality seemed to be an illusion. I remembered sifting sand through my fingers, if that was not real, than why do I recall this sensation so vividly? If I am not human, than what am I? Nothing more than some cells in a petri dish? Surely I was thinking for myself, right?

What will happen if I accept your offer?

“You will stay here, in Infinity, which like the universe is ever expanding. As you might’ve noticed, it’s still quite empty, with your help we’ll give it shape and set Infinity up as an autonomous model that can function without intervention. By due time, we aim to integrate your biomaterial into the system so that you will become one with Infinity.”

My material? What will happen to the others? Will they also be upgraded?

“They will be terminated with the shut down.”

I thought back to Earth, the green mountains, the ocean, the sounds of the birds singing, my parents, my friends, a farewell without ever saying goodbye. The space I was in bleakened  to the memory of Earth.

“There is of course, the possibility to create a simulation of some of the things and people that you liked from Project Earth, this can possibly be transferred to Infinity. It won’t be the same but soon you’ll hardly notice the difference.”

What if I don’t accept the offer?

“Barmi, not every specimen has evolved to fit Infinity, you however, make an excellent exemplar.  That is why we offer you a second chance, you can agree and stay here, with the memories of Earth and shape your own reality, or go back and die with them, the choice is yours.”

I closed my eyes and saw life on Earth, the colours and liveliness of that which I know so well and a sense of calm came over me.  An ancient code had awakened within me, and started to map out my future. The rules that I never heard were known to me,  and I was fluent in the language I’d never spoken, ready to simply be because I already am.