(The image above is by Glen Wright found via Creative Commons)
“Hello. Revolution Church. This is Tuck. How can I help you?”
“Hey. This isn’t the pastor. You’re the guy who works with the kids right? The guy who does stuff with schools and stuff?”
“Sort of. I mean, I am a pastor. I do a lot of different stuff. Who is this?”
“Well, you aren’t the one I wanted but I guess you can help.”
“Um. Okay? What can I help with?”
“I’ve been going out with this woman for like twenty years now. I’m not a Christian and she’s a Christian woman. So I guess you can say we’ve been going out even though we aren’t having sexual relations right now. You know?”
“Um. Okay?”
“You know about sexual relations right? Like banging and stuff? Like unh-unh-unh and stuff, but together?”
“Yeah. I have four kids. I know what sexual relations are.”
“Well, can I call her my girlfriend if we aren’t having sexual relations?”
“Um. Sure? Is that why you called?”
“No, no. I called because right now we aren’t really going out. I mean, we aren’t having sex. And I need to find her a good Christian man to have sex with. Because she is a good Christian woman and she really needs a good guy to have sex with. I’m not a Christian you know. So I was wondering if you know of a good Christian man in his 40′s or 50′s who is looking for a beautiful, talented woman to have sex and a relationship with. I would like to keep dating her, but not sleep with her because I’m not a Christian.”
“No. No one comes to mind.”
“Why not? Don’t the men of your church like sex?”
“I just can’t think of anyone who would want to buy what you’re selling.”
“I’m not selling anything!”
“I’m sorry. I said that poorly. It’s just an expression.”
“Are you comfortable with this?”
“With what?”
“With this. I need help. I need you to find me a good Christian man to sleep with my girlfriend. Well, she not really my girlfriend. But she used to be. But we aren’t sleeping together now. But I’m not a Christian and need a good non-Christian girl and she is Christian and needs a good Christian man.
“No. I’m not comfortable playing match maker.”
“I knew I should have talked to a real pastor.”
“I am a real pastor.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I mean the one up there in charge.”
“Jesus?”
“Don’t be a smart ass! I’m not a Christian. I said that. You know that. You’re just being a smart ass. I mean the pastor in charge up there. The real pastor. The guy who talks on Sunday.”
“I don’t think he will be comfortable with it either.”
“With what?”
“With arranging a one night stand for your girlfriend.”
“That’s not funny! I’m not doing that! I’m just looking for someone to sleep with her!”
“Have you talked to her about this?”
“No. It’s going to be a surprise. Why?”
“You should talk with her about it first. Maybe she doesn’t want someone to sleep with?”
“Well she said she wouldn’t sleep with me because I’m not a good Christian man. She said she needs to marry a good Christian man before she will sleep with him. But I want to sleep with someone and I can’t until she does because it is wrong to cheat on her. So I figured if I can find her a good Christian man, then I can sleep with someone too.”
“I think you’re missing her point. I think her point is more about marriage.”
“What? You don’t know. You don’t know her. Don’t tell me what my girlfriend wants! Where is the real pastor? When is he coming back? I want to talk to the real guy.”
“He went to lunch. He will be back in an hour.”
“Great. You could have just said that and not wasted all this time. I’ll call back then and talk to him.”
“All right, sounds good.”
“Listen, I know you don’t want to help me and all. I mean, you’re just the youth guy. But thanks anyway. No hard feelings.”
“No hard feelings.”
“Well thank you for your honesty anyway. At least you were honest. I can understand your position. Some people just don’t know enough other people and all. All right then. I’ll call back.”
“I’ll let him know you’re going to call. Have a great day.”
“You, too. Bye.”
For “A Late Night Call with Pastor Tuck” click here.
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