The Voice In My Head

“What?” said the voice in my head.

“Nothing,” I replied quietly.

“If nothing, then why are you staring?”

“I’m staring because I can’t people out.”

“Figure people out? Like a puzzle, or a tree that grows crooked?”

“You know exactly what I am talking about.”

“I do, but that doesn’t mean I agree with the way you are thinking.”

“What’s to agree with?”

“For starters, you are arrogant and self-absorbed.”

“Wow, you started this off pretty rude.”

“No more rude than you.”

“How do you figure? I was just saying that I didn’t understand some people.”

“Some people, or those two over there specifically?”

“In this case, those two, but that’s just because there is nothing to do while I wait to get on my airplane but watch people, and they happen to be there, sitting in front of me. What am I doing wrong, anyhow?”

“Being critical.”

“No I’m not, I’m just wondering why they make the choices they make.”

“That lunch was good for airport food, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, it really was, surprisingly.”

“Stuffed it right in, didn’t you. You could have stopped half way through the calzone.”

“That would have been a waste.”

“Right, and you finishing it off made it “not a waste” how? Now you will just be a little fatter.”

“Why are you picking on me?”

“I’m not, I’m just wondering why you make the choices that you make.”

“Oh, nice, use my words back at me. Thought you were supposed to be supportive of me.”

“Only when you don’t say dumb things.”

“What did I say that was dumb?”

“Looking at someone, and wondering why they make the choices that they make. That was dumb. You know that people, like you, make choices every minute of every day. You weren’t really curious or wondering, you were being critical.”

“How can I not be critical? They annoy me, being all ‘up in my face’ with their attitude.”

“What attitude? I don’t see any attitude. In fact they seem to be acting in a very kind way. The tall one just offered to give up the seat to that older gentlemen. Whoa! Did you get a whiff of his breath when he walked by?”

“Yeah. Wow. Liquid lunch.”

“Yeah, really. Some people don’t know when to quit, do they, Mr. “indigestion laden, over eating, calzone man”.

“There is a big difference between me and him.”

“Like what?”

“Like, I know when to stop drinking.”

“Maybe he knows when to stop eating.”

“I liked talking about the couple across from me more than the old guy.”

“Of course you do. Much easier to point the finger at them somehow, isn’t it? Oh, well that was nice, she stood up and gave him her seat.”

“Ok, so they are polite lesbians. So what?”

“They are polite people, very much unlike you. Let’s find someone else to pick on.”

“Like who? They are in my face.”

“How so?”

“They are sitting right across from me!”

“Doing what? Sitting? How dare they?”

“You know. They are wrong. They know they are wrong.”

“Really? Are you so sure? What are they doing that is wrong? Did I miss something?”

“Seriously, the whole world thinks -.”

“No, no. Stop right there. We are talking about you, not the whole world. And just to make sure you aren’t being ridiculous, not the whole world. So let’s be clear here. YOU are saying that YOU think that they are wrong.”

“Yes. Yes I am.”

“And because you know what is right, you are qualified to make the judgment based on – ?” 

“Based on the fact that there are a lot of people that -.”

“A lot of super judgmental people.”

“Ah, there it is. That’s your point, isn’t it?”

“Have you ever looked up the word bigot? It’s one of those great old words that we don’t use enough anymore.”

“I don’t like your passive aggressive tone.”

“Ok, then, fine. You are a bigot. How’s that for aggressive aggressive?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Uh, yeah, pretty much, you are. By the way, did you notice the way the two ladies looked at you while you stuffed that last bite of scrumptious pepperoni sausage calzone in your mouth? They were totally disgusted by your lack of self-control and your weakness for poor choices.”

“They didn’t even notice me.”

“Exactly my point. Did you see how they avoided the drunk elderly man because he chose to drink too much?”

“They didn’t.”

“Nope, they sure didn’t.

“Fine. Point taken.”

“Really, doesn’t seem like it.”

“So what exactly do you want from me?”

“You know what I want.”

“Oh fine. Is this the ‘be kind’ speech?”

“Well yes, I was headed there. What else? You didn’t mistreat them, so you nailed that one, didn’t you, Ghandi?

“Fine, I’m supposed to be humble.”

“Hey, Mother Theresa, Are you comfy?”

“That’s random, but yeah, this chair isn’t too bad.”

“Oh, ok, good. I was just noticing that the nice lady that gave up her seat, she has a brace on her knee. Probably hurts. Remember when you popped your knee out and couldn’t stand for long?”

“Why should I give up my seat? Dang it, you are making me mad.”

“I was just thinking. That would be a kind thing to do, right? A humble, kind thing to do for someone that hasn’t done anything to deserve it.”

“If I do that, she is going to think that I am ok with her lifestyle.”

“She might. Oh dear, that would just be terrible, wouldn’t it?”

“She needs to know that I disagree.”

“She does? Why?”

“I don’t know why. It is my place to let her know that she is wrong.”

“Are you sure it’s your job? What if you are wrong?”

“Do you realize that you just continued a circular argument from a minute ago?”

“Yep. And on purpose, too. You are too stubborn to learn.”

“Fine. Ok? Yes, I understand what you are trying to get me to learn.”

“Exactly, so get up, and let her know that you are okay to stand. Besides, standing will help that calzone digest before the three hour plane ride.”

…

“She seems nice. She said ‘thank you’ for giving up your seat. Don’t you feel good now?”

“Where is the off switch for the voice in my head. Sometimes you really annoy me.”

“Yeah, I know, but its voices like me that keep you from being a total ass.”

“Now you are resorting to calling names.”

“No, just making a statement.”

“So now what?”

“Now what, what? You need me to hold your hand through this whole process? Let’s make it simple. What are you responsible for?”

“Ah, I really don’t feel like having this conversation.”

“You started it.”

“No I –.”

“I’m just the voice in your head, so either way, you started it.”

“Fine, I know what you are after. My job is to be kind and merciful to others, bring justice where there isn’t any, and be humble. You happy now?”

“No. Anyone can say words (or think them in your case).”

“Gotta go. They just started the boarding process.”

“Convenient timing. Ok, I will be right here if you need anything. ”

“I need you to leave me alone for a while.”

…

“Crowded today. Lots of squishing together. We don’t really like crowds, do we? ”

“Nope. And you aren’t real, so I don’t know why it bothers you.”

“By the way, I happened to notice that the old guy -.”

“The drunk?”

“There you go again. Why do you have to call him a name, put him in a category that is lesser than you? Anyhow, he is in your same boarding section, but those guys there aren’t letting him through. He’s going to have a hard time. ”

“Ugh. Fine. Hold on.”

…

“Nice job, that qualifies as two for one. Restoring justice and showing a little mercy by letting him in front of you. ”

“Feels pretty good, too. Now leave me alone”

“I knew it would. That’s the way people are wired. But uh oh -.”

“What?”

“Now he is going to think that you are okay with him drinking too much.”

“Ah, that is your feeble attempt at sarcasm, isn’t it?”

“Maybe, what do you think?”

“I think that whatever you say is what I’m thinki-. Never mind.”

“If I could smile, I would be smiling a great big smile.”

“I never said you weren’t smug.”

“I know, but it feels good to be right and have you listen to me sometimes.”

“I’m glad you are happy.”